Finding Purpose Again After Loss
Written by Sue Lee | 10th February 2024
My husband Ron passed away in March 2021. It was devastating and I was so, so lost and to start with I was on automatic pilot. Our life had been very full at home in the UK and serving God abroad on mission I had no idea how I would cope with the pain. I felt so vulnerable at this point and still do. Ron and I had been together since I was 17, we married in 1972, and swapped South London for Bedford. We did not know Jesus in those days but as I look back now, I know God was there guiding both of us. In 1978 we became Christians, had 3 beautiful children who also loved God, they all married and gave us 8 wonderful grandchildren. Ron and I started serving God together in Russia and then Albania. Life was good.
In March 2017 Ron was diagnosed with prostate cancer which had already spread so we knew it was terminal at some point. Due to a previous cancer the only treatment at this time was hormone injections which he was able to receive once every 3 months. This enabled us to continue to serve God in Albania for a further 2 years before we had to stop due to chemo treatment etc. I have to say that during those 2 years we almost forgot what was coming, we were serving God and enjoying all that he had for us at that time. We were given the “nothing more we can do” news in February 2020. Suddenly reality hit, there was a finality and when Ron passed 13 months later, I was completely lost. I had spent the last 13 months caring for him 24/7 and the fact that you know this day is coming does not make it any easier. I remember waking up the morning after the funeral when everyone had gone home. I lay there in bed and suddenly thought “What do I need to get up for” no one needed a cup of tea, no one needed breakfast. My children all had their own lives to get back to and get on with, it felt like I had lost all purpose for life. I know it sounds dramatic but that truly is how I felt. I suddenly realised how very easily I could slip into depression. I knew I had to hang onto God no matter what to get me through this one day at a time, because life without Ron was so unimaginable, he was my life.
I walked every day; it gave me something to do. In fact, one morning my daughter had a phone call from a friend asking if I was ok as she had seen me out walking at 6am one morning. Every time I prayed, I was crying, so I had my worship music playing almost 24/7 because life was so quiet, everything had changed. But God had been so good to us through Ron’s illness. I had this deep, deep indescribable sense of loss on the one hand but also the peace that passes all understanding, (Philippians 4 v7) and a quiet joy because I knew that Ron was safe and pain free with Jesus. It was not either or, but both at the same time. My children told me I had a new journey, a new path and they were right although I did not really understand or even want to at the time, I wanted my life with Ron. I was floundering as even the smallest of decisions become major when you are making them on your own, even down to choosing colours when you are decorating. So, began my search with Father God to find out what His purpose was for me because I had no clue how to carry on. I just felt so, so lost.
My first year without Ron I believe I was on automatic pilot just focusing on getting to the first of everything, by the time the second anniversary came along, with it came the realisation that this is my reality. People have often thought I would be angry with God but I can truthfully say I have not. In that last year when Ron was asked how he was, he would say “If I wake in the morning and see Sue’s face I win, if I wake and see Jesus I win, either way I am a winner”. Ron and I had spoken about coming back to Albania, this was our second home. After 8 months I came back for my first visit. I needed to hear Gods voice. While on mission abroad God had always confirmed prophetically about where he wanted us to be so very clearly, I now needed to hear His voice again for me. It was not easy as I was surrounded by our memories together here but to be honest, I am a person who takes comfort in memories rather than run from them so it was a part of healing for me, making more new memories to go alongside with the old ones. Everywhere I looked in the church building I could see Ron’s handiwork as he had used his carpentry skills helping build the church physically as well as spiritually. I came home feeling that Father God had told me I have a voice. This was significant because I had always taken a background role. Ron’s giftings had always been teaching, pastoring and moving in the prophetic. I was not the upfront person in our relationship, we were very much a team. The following March I was again back for a few weeks. I attended our Albania conference and found I was talking and making more connections with different people. One afternoon when I was having coffee with someone, we were talking about Ron when suddenly she grabbed my hand and said “that is why we need you to come back - you have a story that gives hope to others”. This was mentioned many times by different people so, after talking it all over with Ilir and Rudina, the Pastor and his wife, I to returned to Albania in the September 2022 to continue the journey that God has for me in this new season.
In March it will be 3 years since Ron passed but I know I am nowhere near finished with grief. People kept saying to me I was brave but truthfully, I felt I had no choice. I could go down into the pit of depression or try to learn to live again as Ron would want me to do. Grief is a process and for me there will always be this deep sense of loss in my heart. I still don’t sleep well at night, I miss the warmth of his body beside me and people say “are you not through it yet? Are you over it yet?”. I believe that for me it is not about getting ‘over or through it’ but learning to live with the loss and the truth that I have lost a precious part of my life knowing Ron will always be in my heart. Sometimes I will feel guilty that I have enjoyed something without him but then a precious memory or sound will come and I will be in pieces again. That is ok, tears are a release of the pain and help with our healing. Yes, one day the tears slow down and may even stop but with the love of Father God I can learn to follow the new path that he has for me. I recently met with an Albanian friend who had lost her husband a year after me. Her situation is very different to mine, she is much younger and has young children but our hearts were joined in our grief. Father God used that time to show me that there is more deep pain that I need to acknowledge before he can heal it. If we had all the pain at once we would not be able to cope, but God knows what is best for us. This is why the bible says there is a season for mourning. (Ecc. 3 v 4). I am still very much on a journey but I know that Father God has a plan for me, Sue, and that Ron and Sue’s plan is completed, now it is Sue’s journey with Father God and where God has a plan, He also has a purpose for my life.
This is my story but we all walk this path differently; in grief nothing is right or wrong, just different. My kids and grandkids have been amazing, always there for me. For me I know I could not do this without them and without God in my life, He is everything to me, he is my purpose in this life. God always knew I would walk this path, losing Ron to heaven at this time was no surprise to God, even if it was for me. He has shown He is with me always in the valleys of life as well as on the mountain tops.
Ron lived and died with absolute faith and trust in his heavenly Father who he is now with, and I know that one day I too will be, but until that day, I want to serve my God and be where he wants me to be. His plan and purposes are always the best.