Shame - killer of joy
Written by Tracy Blick | 15th October 2022
Shame is a killer of joy, the same as comparison. Why me, why not me? I deserve to feel shame because it’s my fault people treated me this way.
I have two testimonies. 1) My true life and, 2) The real truth.
My true life:
So….. I grew up in a home where I went to church every Sunday, one mum, one sister and two brothers. My real dad left when I was three, the only memory of him through my childhood was of standing in court with my parents and siblings and the judge asking them if they wanted custody. My dad said he only wanted my older brother. My mum said I want them all and they all need to be together. (Reminds me of the story in Kings 3 when Solomon orders a sword be brought to cut the baby in half…). My Mum got custody and again I felt abandoned by my dad. My new stepdad sexually, physically and mentally abused me from the age of 7-15 …. let me say at this point I loved him, he was my daddy and my siblings hated me because as they said ‘I was his favourite’.
I remember this day clearly, I am 15, I was late to my best friend’s house and apologised saying I was doing this *** with my stepdad, my friend was beyond shocked, I honestly believed that was normal life and every daddy/daughter did it. That night I decided to tell my mother. When she came in from work, she called us all downstairs and informed us she didn’t love him anymore and she was throwing him out. Yes, yes, I am off the hook, it’s over. In brief I then went on to a boyfriend who said if I didn’t sleep with him, he would sleep with other girls, I didn’t, and he did. Then to a man who physically beat me but loved me, beat me but loved me, broke my ribs, smashed my face, but loved me!! I used to read those ‘real life abuse stories books’ to remind myself that my life wasn’t that bad, and others had it worse.
At just 24 years old, to me, ALL men were abandoners, abusers, rapists, cheaters, and bullies. I blamed God, I was angry, I couldn’t forgive him, I couldn’t forgive myself, I was consumed with shame… I deserved it and I was damaged. I dreamed of having sons, all by different dads and none of those dads sticking around.
I decided in that moment to start my life again, I was back at church, I had my own restaurant, I owned racehorses and decided I was going to learn to fly.
In my new life no one knew I was damaged goods, no one could see my shame, just my oddities, and I was odd! So… I chose the flying instructor I liked the least and off we went. Over the weeks I began to TRUST this MAN, he was the first man I ever trusted, and I fell in love with him, and this year we have been married 26 years, he is a good God filled man. God and Andrew had rescued me. But the past didn’t disappear.
Life was going good, we had a wonderful God led marriage, we loved our church and family life, we had two sons and then my world was turned upside down, my stepdad had been caught abusing his own daughter then aged 9. Before I knew it at 31 years old myself and my sister were in court, his daughter was too young to stand. I had to tell my sister, my mum, my brothers, and my husband for the first time the details of what had happened, what I did, thinking they will never, ever look at me the same again, I wanted to die.
My husband the man God blessed me with scooped me up and said, “I am yours and you are mine, nothing else matters”, but it did. My stepdad went to prison and the guilt I felt was overwhelming….I….me…. had done that to another human being. I went back to life, I got sterilised, but again God had other ideas and four years after my sterilisation we were blessed with our miracle boy, Jack, another son.
I still knew of God, but the shame and hate for myself meant I didn’t have a relationship with him. When people talked about ‘dad’, ‘father’ I felt physically sick. When people talked about freeing people from shame…. I was filled with shame all over again. We decided to move church, I completed the Freedom in Christ course and was surrounded by people who knew God in a way I needed. The Freedom in Christ course enabled me to hand over the things I cannot change to him - we cannot go backwards, we need to look forwards, we stop others stealing our joy. I was able to let Him in, trust him, worship him, let him take the shame from my heart and replace it with truth, with people who love me.
You see, hanging onto that shame and pain caused by others only hurt me, only damaged me. Now I feel that indescribable faith and unconditional love and joy that my daddy, my father, my one true amazing God has for me. Every so often something comes up… but it is done, it is finished, and when these feelings or thoughts pop up, I physically hand them to God.
My favourite film is Love Actually and the part when he is stood at the door with the word cards…I love that bit… As he walks away, he says “enough now, enough”. God is good, I have had many times when I have heard Gods voice out loud, I heard God use the words ‘enough now, enough’ to sooth and rationalise my thoughts, to bring me back to him. I keep handing things over, and he keeps taking them, I can now physically hand those triggers over to my amazing Father God and feel the joy he has over me. And THAT HAS SAVED ME. On many occasions, church, God and love has given me the tools to feel that freedom. God takes those bits of shame, hurt, pain, non-understanding when I hand them to him and fills that gap with his love for me. You can do this too.
So…. My second NEW testimony, remember I said I had two? ‘My true life’ what I’ve just shared and… ‘The real truth’.
The real truth:
So….. Hi, I am Tracy, I knew of God all my life and He knew me. One day as a family we changed churches and something changed, I had a tangible relationship with God, I had a father who loved me unconditionally, one who never leaves me and protects me, one who sees me as the princess he made me. A God who fills the daddy gap in my heart and won’t let me go. And for the day-to-day love and practical stuff, he filled my home with 4 men who I adore, trust and love unconditionally. God restored me, took my hurt and shame and gave me joy that no one can ever steal.
I love this saying:
Push through the rubble of life, because on the other side of that mess are the promises God has for you. If he could die to deliver his promises, we can fight to receive them.
God Bless you, thank you.
Tracy
Let’s do this
This story certainly impacted me and revealed again the deepest, overwhelming and never-ending love of Father God that he holds for his children, yes - that’s you and me!
Can I ask? Are there areas in your life that are ‘no-go’ areas, places deep in our hearts where we convince ourselves that it’s too painful to let God in and deal with? Shame can appear through so many circumstances, ‘feeling shamed from losing that job, my parents getting divorced etc.. others may not even know your past, only you, but today my beautiful friend can be a day of freedom for you. It may be helpful to talk this through with a trusted Christian friend/pastor in your home church who can help you walk into freedom, or you may feel that the time is right now and to pray yourself - God is able to meet you where you are now.
Dear Father God.
Thank you for the cross, for your son Jesus dying on the cross and taking our shame so we don’t have to carry it. I forgive those who have sinned against me (name them). I ask for your forgiveness where I have sinned and I choose to forgive myself when I have got it wrong. Thank you that forgiveness, freedom, hope and joy is my inheritance because of the finished work of Jesus! I receive your love Father over me right now as I give this shame over to you and replace shame with the truth of your love. Thank you. Amen.
It takes courage, it takes bravery to face shame head on, and I love Tracy’s favourite saying:
‘Push through the rubble of life, because on the other side of that mess are the promises God has for you. If he could die to deliver his promises, we can fight to receive them.’
Just consider the truth that Jesus didn’t just die He rose again to life and has united you to His resurrection life. Shame was nailed to the Cross, and then Jesus has raised you to a new life with a new identity in Him! What good news! The old has gone and the new has come (2 Cor. 5:17). You are a child of God, leaving the old behind and standing alive in Christ with a bright future ahead. May your heart overflow with hope.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Wow, His promises are life, freedom, hope, joy and peace… that my friend, is your inheritance as a daughter of God – bask in that truth, take those steps of courage.
If you have experienced sexual abuse we encourage you to seek help and support. Breaking the silence is hard, but one of the steps to recovery is talking to someone. The enemy likes to keep things hidden, causing us to believe lies about God and ourselves. However, when we bring things into the light the chains of our past can be broken.
Everyone’s healing journey is different but like all journeys it starts with a first step and so be courageous walk into the promises of God and your inheritance:
John 8:36 (NIV84)
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Here are some suggestions where you can also seek help:
Christian counsellors Find a Christian counsellor in your area, check they specialise in sexual abuse
Courageous one, we would love to hear and celebrate your stories of breakthrough and freedom, however big or small, do contact us.